This past week, my BFFFFF (that’s best friend foreva eva, like since the dorms and a meal plan!) Zoe took the Badlands and the surrounding areas by storm and made them worse. Exhibit A: See above. That’s me with my new friends Yukon and Tilly. They are male models. That is not a joke, you snarky judge! These two charmers convene outside Rapid City, SD with more rugged gents of their ilk and don 19th century costumes to portray TRAPPERS and MOUNTAIN MEN! Drinking a Bud Light with these two might be the apex of my life. Tilly (left) has his own face tattooed on his bicep, and taught me the colorful phrase “Kiss my ass and call me Christmas!” Yukon (right) is the more sedate of the pair, enabling Tilly’s alcoholic ramblings, but when Zoe declined a beer (she’s gluten free or in AA or something), he offered to buy her a “sodey.” I almost fainted into his wiry arms, so thrilled was I to hear the word “sodey” deployed in real life/in the 21st century. Unrelated, I also heard a waitress pronounce a certain salad dressing as “Eye-talian,” never heard that in real life either. I swoon for the Great Plains!
WHAT?!?!?! Thought I hopped the Rover to Mars, dintcha? Nope, that’s EARTH! How can you resist?
Obligatory. Had I entered the gates, I would have reenacted North by Northwest, or at least tried to serve Eve Marie Saint realness. But no, just a little head wedgie.
Wounded Knee. Ain’t nothin’ funny about that.
A sunset scene from the Pine Ridge reservation, where the massacre took place, which is pretty devastating today still. I felt very lucky to stay there one night, and very lucky to leave. Yay, white privilege!
On a lighter note, can you believe that Zoe did the giant water slide?! I stayed down at the bottom documenting the thing like the total pussy that I am. I don;t even like to go fast on my bike. On a Costa Rican vacation, my traveling companions wanted to go zip lining. I gritted my teeth and obliged. On the first line, I wept. Life is scary enough, I opt not to endanger myself with “adrenaline” and activities that might appear in a Mountain Dew commercial.
That orange streak is her, traveling at the speed of fun.
The reptilian ground of the Badlands or the bottom of my foot? You decide! My feet were so disgusting by the end of my midwestern sojourn that I was actually fascinated by them.
Hope we don’t end up here again! Not guilty, your honor!
How did my modeling pictures get in here? That is so embarrassing.
Can you even?
When Zoe took this pic in front of Saloon No. 10 in Deadwood, a little girl tried to cut in front and her mom was like “Hey wait!” and the little girl was like “I thought she was a statue.” Finally, someone appreciates my statuesque physique.
Watch what happened once inside (and why alcohol should never be cupcake-flavored and served as gelatin) here.
The Adams Museum in Deadwood boasts the most important collection of ropes in the Western Hemisphere.
But not to be outdone by their prodigious canes.
This is the penny slot machine, “Lucky Lemmings” in which I collected a bounty of ten dollars on a penny bet. Some lemmings are luckier than others.
I thought they needed a model to be the face of our National Parks. I was told there would be a walk off.I drank out of that gallon bottle for the better part of the week. Uncouth! Look at how ashamed I pretend to be.
Thanks America! I already miss you back on the godless east coast.